sometimes you leave, sometimes you stay
the infinite games we choose to play [2025, review]
i often quip that, as a lifetime east coaster, im not used to seeing trees this big! the redwoods tower above the consistent layer of fog, and you have to wonder how something so large has been able to sustain a lifetime of over 3000 years. the trees serve as a constant testament: long after our feeble efforts to change the landscape, they will continue to outlast you.
in the face of awe, i feel small & insignificant. i embrace this feeling, because it reminds me that i am part of a greater whole — that i may just be a mote of dust on a floating rock, but at least we’re stardust together. i threaded together 2025 through these moments: in queens, swaying to the tune of take me to the ballgame; at the bleachers of edc, watching lights erupt above the stage; in catskills, seeing the stars stretch impossibly above as incandescent tapestry; 4th of july, a day where fire can bloom and fall in the sky like rain.
i yearn for connection, but i also value my individuation. i fear losing myself, thus oscillating between motion and belonging.
unmoored by anchors, an idle mind drifts to intrusive thoughts. i’ve spent the larger part of last year so-called staring into the abyss, circling certain questions1 the way a stray cat nurses a half-eaten kill.
yesterday was the first of january. january, by way of janus, god of frames and endings, of entryways and doorways. doorways exist for you to step in and out, but i habitually linger in-between, paralyzed within a core set of tensions. since last january, i’ve been sifting through my internal monologue, trying to sort out my values and priorities, and today i’ve determined two working theories.
I. it’s easy to get along with everyone — & infinitely harder to get them to stay
since i was young, my quest was to be friends with anyone and everyone. this year i realized it’s easier to be universally well-liked, harder to be consistently chosen.
intimacy is not a proxy for closeness. initial sparks cannot sustain an enduring hearth. there’s no expectation to post-mortem a foregone friendship, because it’s societally acceptable for someone to pick things over you — career, family, even other friends. there is never needs to be real reason to walk away.
which means all the more to continually choose to show up. i’ve reframed my infinite game2 as a search for the people on the same wavelength as me. we are all dictated by own personal incentives — rather than try to change this, find those driven by complementary compulsions. as henrik karlsonsenn describes, you aren’t just an average of the five people around you - it’s all relational.3
i take this to mean: the combination of your two inputs — how you intersect in conversation — should create something uniquely generative. emergent properties, aka chemical magic. in statistics, there’s the notion of an interaction term. take X and Y, both which affect an outcome - if they are independent, their effect is separate. but an interaction term (X × Y) says: the way X affects the outcome depends on Y, i.e. X and Y together produce something new that neither produces alone.
when i consider my close friends, i consider their inherent qualities that i admire. conversations w j teach me how to show up as a good friend, how to be a good host, how to be uber-intentional. s curates a wardrobe of vintage shoes and coats, is ready with camera recs at my beck and call, and helped bring our vision of a photo gallery to life back in june. these are the types of people who i love to host together, to embark on creative projects, to simply hang.
the people i stuck close to were those who shared a common ethos. & sometimes the fabric that ties you together with other people isn’t obvious. the ethos can be as simple as i care about this group of people and I will show up, over and over again. this is sustained intention: to cook food together, to linger at the doorway afterwards. to show up to the pre-game and the afters, those who come early to set up and stay afterwards to clean up just to stay within each others’ presence.
II. the longer you deny yourself alignment, the less optionality matters
i long understood authenticity as a core life value.4 early 2025 i was proud of myself for living a well-balanced life. but i had a nagging feeling about my fulfillment with my job, the itch in the back of your throat you can’t ignore.
i felt like i was wasting time. previously, i convinced myself i could live a complete 5-9 to offset the ennui in my 9-5. a year handicapped by a laggy windows pc and a geriatric teams app, it became clear i couldn’t do this forever. a 9-5 is still 40 hours a week. when your work drains you — even through sheer inactivity — it’s hard to muster energy for anything outside it.
in 2025 i sought alignment; that is, how do i create a life that is so attuned to my values? alignment is downstream of authenticity.5 in order to act in accordance with values and desires, it necessitates at continuous negotiation and calibration of my inputs. it forces you to separate out what you truly desire vs what is mimetic. is prestige enough to drive you, or is it duty or creativity?
i got frustrated when people told me i needed to stay at my old job for at least 2 years.6 with patience, the right exit opportunity will come, and wouldn’t you rather jump to the Right Thing? it’s this human desire to cut our losses and preserve optionality: but a dream deferred is just as bad as a dream wrinkled up.
resolving to find Your Thing is is in tension with preserving optionality. fantasizing about a new job is almost more fun than the actual process. every decision was agony: whether i turned down a company or it rejected me, it felt like a door shutting in my face.
but while it’s difficult to forecast outcomes, inputs are the only thing under our control: the frameworks and values that guide our daily decision-making. i.e., i can’t control whether this substack ever blows up, but i can control following my intellectual curiosity, working hard, and writing regularly.
intuition is a fine-toothed comb, a stone-sharp arrow. it points you towards the work you run towards7, even if it means living in uncertainty.
we are free to design a life that is best fit for us in all dimensions. designing a life doesn’t need to prescribe results, but it demands you choose your inputs and constraints. i want a job that impacts people, demands focus, sits at the edge of technology, and allows me to work both technically and collaboratively. i want a life that is well-balanced, opens the door to new experiences, and enables me to bring people together. today, i may not be at the final state, but i’m happy to say i’m directionally correct.
2025, reviewed
from last year: 2025 is all about finding the right vectors for this energy and transforming restless motion into purposeful momentum → cold-emailed restaurants for pitches, hosted regular photo/writing events
2026, intentions
re-focus attention to running. marathon come june. now the weather is no excuse!
return to physical ephemera. junk journalling is so back!! figure out my film camera, return to pen & paper.
write more commentary pieces, document case studies in functional design & urban infrastructure.
i resolve to navel-gaze less experiment with data visualizations / creative tech projects. i am a creative, i am a technologist, what alchemy emerges when these two identities emerge?
continue to show up, as a friend, daughter, citizen, writer, etc & et al.
i.e what are you avoiding because it conflicts with some part of your identity / self-image?
it’s why i agonize over representing myself well on social platforms designed to flatten its users, it’s why i strive to show up in my complete self in all convos
kwame appiah on authenticity
which is prob why i never went into finance/consulting, famous footholds for exit opportunities
framework on what problems you run towards
love the idea of the infinite game and beautiful writing as always
excited to see how u show up in 2026 annie!