on liminal spaces

flitting in & out of moments of stasis

a liminal space from my poetry class building

these days, everyone’s been talking about liminal spaces. having first encountered the term on substack earlier this year, i’ve been drawn to the intentional vagueness of the term and the multiple physical & metaphorical meanings it entails. it physically refers to eerie places that exist only as transitory spaces between where you start and where you’re going—quiet hallways & echoey staircases & never-ending plane rides—that we pass through without noticing. otherwise, it refers to a threshold, to “to be on the precipice of something new but not quite there yet:” an uncertain mental state as we grapple with a decision or sudden emotional change.

it’s in liminal spaces where we’re forced to confront ourselves, as we have nothing immediately comfortable around us to cling to. perhaps that’s why it’s a topic surfaced by substack writers, as we all find ourselves floating in this limbo. writing out in the open is how we cope in our period of individuation & self-realization.

i’ve found myself in this strange state for the past couple of years. a feeling that i’m in endless transition. it’s an unease and restlessness that’s only exacerbated (or perhaps precipitated?) by some unique circumstances: entering college in a pandemic state, transferring colleges, spending a year yearning to transfer back, spending the next yearning to finish quickly and move on with my life. in the past three years i've been living with my body in one place and my heart in another. i’ve never truly felt immersed in college, but rather somewhat floating above, a film of oil suspended atop of water. for someone who’s deeply affected by the physical place they’re in, it’s strange how i naturally gravitate towards situations of discomfort.

perhaps this is what it means to be coming-of-age. hua hsu captures this restlessness perfectly in his memoir, stay true:

At that age, time moves slow. You're eager for something to happen, passing time in parking lots, hands deep in your pockets, trying to figure out where to go next. Life happened elsewhere, it was simply a matter of finding a map that led there. Or maybe, at that age, time moves fast; you're so desperate for action that you forget to remember things as they happen. A day felt like forever, a year was a geological era.

college started as a whirlwind of parties, people, & possibilities—until it wasn’t, and all the excitement and fervor of the new environment flatlined into a tedious humdrum. this past year, once i figured out my job prospects & sped through my class requirements & reached peak commitment for my clubs, i truly saw my campus as a liminal place. i was seized by the multitude of possibilities a new city would contain: my dreams for the future crept into every convo i had with a peer. by contrast, college assignments & peer drama seemed trifling—meaningless, even.

when certainties i believed proved to be false, my restlessness only increased. at the moment, i feel the pressure to define myself without a college student status & lacking the people and identities i found comfort in before. even as i begin my summer internship in a new (yet also familiar) city, i understand i won’t escape this liminal space. i’ve picked up nomadic tendencies, as i move from city to city in search of something else. my heart buzzes like a hummingbird. i fear that at any moment it may burst.

so how do i stay true when the environment around me constantly changes? it all goes back to establishing a strong sense of self to keep me grounded. find life-long friends to anchor me when my worries go awry. find hobbies to keep me productive and fulfilled. find beauty in predictability: no matter where i am, i will admire the same moon, yearn for the same sunset, crumble at the same ocean.

maybe one day i will settle. find myself a present that makes me forget about the future. but i am content to pass through as many places i need to in order to be sure of my decision.

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notes:

• liminal spaces have been a theme throughout my art this sem. for the poetry portfolio name “liminal space” i prepared for class, see here.

• i also named my photography account after this concept! i still resist having a personal insta & opt for a million hobby accounts. for the ig, see here.

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life updates:

• on a related note, in lieu of an instagram to keep my friends updated about my life, perhaps i’ll use this substack? struggling w the desire to be seen vs unperceived, but i like the idea of using substack to share my recent thoughts along w life updates!

• read a good amount lately—favs are ”stay true” by hua hsu, “someone who will love you in all your damaged glory” by raphael bob-waksberg, “obit” by victoria chang, “the hurting kind” by ada limón.

• last week i landed in seattle for my third summer internship here. the nature is sublime as always, met some great peeps, dyed my hair n kayak’ed n shopped n climbed. looking forward to a summer of climbing, reading, and taking pictures:)

mount rainier popping up in the view from my apt<3